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In NYNEX Telephone Directory:Federal Bureau of Investigation (718) 459-3140If no answer call (718) 459-3140
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A law in Kansas: When two trains approach each other at a crossing,they shall both come to a full stop and neither shall start up untilthe other has gone.
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Canadian host of a childrens' TV show telling their address:That's Paris, Ontario, not Paris, Italy.
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This was from a doctor telling a story on complex forensics. Notsure if I can give out his name. A friend told me this:"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus andconcluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by ashotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedenthad jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent tocommit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As hepassed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by ashotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither theshooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had beenerected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers andthat the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent tocommit suicide because of this.Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with asuicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanismmight be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way tocertain death nine stories below probably would not change his mod death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicideintent would not have been achieved under any circumstance causedthe medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9thfloor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by anelderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgunbecause of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he couldnot hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled thetrigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went throughthe window striking the decedent.When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in theattempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man wasconfronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife wereadamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife withan unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore,the killing of the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is,the gun had been accidentally loaded.But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son wasseen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatalaccident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady)had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing thepropensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loadedthe gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother.The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for thedeath of Ronald Opus.Further investigation revealed that the son became increasinglydespondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mothermurdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
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A successful lawyer dies of a heart attack and ascends up to Heaven.He reaches the Pearly Gates, where he is greeted by St. Peter."Well, what's can I do for you?" asks St Peter."I've just died, can I come into Heaven?" responds the lawyer.St. Peter consults a clipboard. "I can't seem to find you down here.You should probably be in THE OTHER PLACE."The lawyer peers over St. Peter's shoulder and spots his name on thelist. "Look, there, I can see my name! You must let me in now."St. Peter looks at the list again and says, "No, that can't be you,you've got the same name, you're both lawyers, but it's definitelynot you."The lawyer is getting desperate now. "But it must be me, there can'tbe two lawyers with the same name who've died today! Please let mein."St. Peter looks up and says, "You're definitely not on my list.You're only 45 years old, and judging by the number of hours thisguy here has billed his clients, he's at least 120!"
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Q: What does a man enjoy the most about oral sex?A: Ten minutes of silence.
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Two unattached office girls decided it would make good economicsense if they teamed up and shared a room on holiday. After theybooked in to the hotel room one turned to the other and rested herhand on her shoulder."There's something I haven't told you about myself," she said."I'll be frank......."Oh, no you won't," interrupted her friend, "I'LL be Frank."
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What do a hurricane and a marriage have in common?In the beginning there is a lot of blowing and sucking, and in theend you lose your house.
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Tales of Parenthood (The Real Story) by John McGillHighlights from this weekend with the kids:1) Tried to explain what "Mutant" meant to my four year old without using my wife as an example.2) Spent 40 minutes answering questions regarding the anatomical differences between Ninja turtles, Gamera, and the turtles at the pet store.3) Kyle, the two year-old, finger-painted the walls in his room with the waste he pulled out of his diaper.4) Had to answer the question "Why do you laugh when the Simpsons are bad and not when I am?"5) Found that "Pop-Tart" I gave my son three weeks ago!6) Watched my sons destroy one of those blow-up punching bags in less than twenty minutes.7) Broke up 17 fights.8) Had my testicles stepped on by the children 7 1/2 times. (1/2 was the left one only).9) Had to answer question "Why doesn't GI-Joe have a wee-wee?"10) Missed out on the Rice Spitting contest in the dining room.11) The dog submitted its two week notice.12) I smacked Kyle's butt (the one in diapers) and blew a load down his leg and onto the rug.13) New names I was called this weekend: "DummyHead, PoopyHead and GoofyHead."14) Woke up Sunday morning with one kid sleeping on my stomach, one on my left arm (numb for an hour) and the dog sleeping across my legs. My wife escaped to sleep on the couch.15) We saluted during the burial at sea (the toilet) of one of the goldfish. I explained the toilet runs to the river. My son is now afraid of drinking the dead goldfish, because he knows drinking water comes from the river.16) Had to explain to John why we couldn't rent "The Devil in Miss Jones" at the video store Friday. We settled on Spiderman. Bummer.17) Said "Don't suck your thumb" about thirty times.18) Said "Don't pick your nose" about ten times.19) My son John came in on Sunday telling me that Kyle had eaten all the "pills" he found in Mommy's pocketbook. I panicked, ran out and found Kyle with the empty TIC TAC container and beautiful breath.20) Used the old "Doggies Playing Leapfrog" explanation at the park.
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RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFETaoism: Sh*t happensConfucianism: Confucius say: "Sh*t happens"Buddhism: If sh*t happens, it isn't really sh*tZen: What is the sound of sh*t happening?Hinduism: This sh*t happened beforeMormonism: This sh*t is going to happen againIslam: If sh*t happens, it is the will of AllahProtestantism: Let sh*t happen to someone elseCatholicism: If sh*t happens, then you deserve itJudaism: Why does this sh*t always happen to us?Agnosticism: What is this sh*t?Christian Science: When sh*t happens, don't call a doctor. Pray!Puritanism: Don't step in the sh*tAtheism: I don't believe this sh*tCalvanism: Sh*t happens because you don't work hard enoughSeventh Day Adventist: No sh*t on SaturdaysHedonism: There's nothing like a good sh*t happeningMoonies: Only happy sh*t really happensStoicism: This sh*t is good for meHare Krishna: Sh*t happens rama ramaZoroasttrianism: Sh*t happens half the timeRastafarianism: Let's smoke this sh*tExistentialism: Sh*t doesn't happen--sh*t isSecular Humanism: Sh*t evolvesAA: Dealing with sh*t one day at a timeDianetics: Why does sh*t happen? See page 157...
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Two tall trees are growning in the woods. A small tree begins togrow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of abeech or a son of a birch?" The other tree says that he cannot tell.A woodpecker lands on the small tree.The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tellus if that is the son of a beech or the son of a birch?"The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It isneither a son of a beech nor the son of a birch, old chaps. That,gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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