Over the years since high school graduation, I've talked with old classmates and found out all kinds of things that I never knew about myself and the girls I went to high school with. If I could go back knowing what I know now...
Well, I can't, and really, upon reflection, I don't know that I'd change anything at all, because the idea of dating a bunch of teenage drama queens is even less appealing now than it was then, but it would sure be fun to see all of that through new, more aware eyes! You see, what I've been finding out was how many of the girls "had the hots for me," including the hottest ones in the school, even some a couple of years older than me, and I never knew. That begs several questions, among them two biggies:
1. Why didn't I know?
2. What made it happen?
Both questions have answers that are easy today, but in those days would have amounted to hidden, mystical knowledge that no man was supposed to have! And which, by the way, I can now provide... ;-)
I didn't know because I didn't know how to listen to women and read their signals. One girl had such a crush on me that she bought tennis shoes that matched mine trying to get my attention; I had no clue. We were "just friends" as far as I knew, and I thought it was an act of camaraderie. Others asked questions that, at the time, I found extremely annoying because the answers appeared so obvious; they already had the answers. The questions were just excuses to try to get my attention and strike up conversation; I was the stupid one, in spite of graduating as class valedictorian and receiving a congressional appointment to a military academy.
What I knew about communicating with girls when I was in high school wouldn't have taken a whole paragraph to record. I still thought, as nearly all men do, that women talk just like we do, but a whole lot more, and usually too much about too many things that I don't want to talk about or hear. That doesn't take anywhere near a paragraph to write, huh? But I learned...
I eventually found out that what caused all those girls to want my attention was two things: I didn't give two hoots in Hell what anybody thought about me and was about as independent and often rebellious as a kid can be if somebody tried to push me to do something that didn't make sense (alpha male behavior), and I was about the most devil-may-care, mischievous little demon in the school. It was impossible to be bored around me because there was always some prank, adventure, or impossible mission, mainly because I was so bored with school and had to find ways to challenge myself. Much to the chagrin of the faculty, they weren't always academically productive. ;-)
You went to school with a guy like me, the one who couldn't keep his mouth shut when there was a good joke to crack, always a smart-ass but usually a likeable smart-ass. The prankster who seemed to be at the center of every spectacular stunt, joke, or uprising. The guy whom the teachers were always having to punish for breaking some rule or disrupting something, but never wanting to punish because his mischief brought some fun and excitement to their boring routine and because he was the curve-buster and teacher's pet as far as academic performance went. And most of all, the guy who, in spite of all his shenanigans, never hurt anybody, and was always leading the action, recruiting others to join his quests and adventures, sometimes causing a whole group to sit in the principal's office, brothers-in-arms, waiting for the group ass-paddling to commence and laughing it off.
(For you youngsters, yes, they used to beat our behinds with paddles, not send us to "time out" or "sensitivity training," or "home for personal reflection." They called it "corporal punishment." And we turned out fine, by the way. Most of us grew up with a sense of purpose and a sense of personal responsibility and accountability, something I haven't seen much of in recent years, especially in those who grew up in "time out.")
Remember him? You never really knew what he was going to do next, or what he was going to say. A teacher would ask a question, and if he raised his hand to answer, everybody would turn and look at him, silently trying to guess if he would be serious and give an authoritative answer that would ensure his position as teacher's pet for another week or crack wise with something that he and everybody else knew he shouldn't say but had to say, and when the teacher would reprimand him through clenched teeth trying to keep from laughing themselves to death, would cock his head a little and with a sly grin say something like, "Who, me?" or "Now you KNOW I didn't mean it THAT way! Get your mind out of the gutter, Ms. Teacher. There are children in the room!"
Sure he meant it that way, and so did I! But it was that attitude of selectively bucking the establishment when there was really no harm done, leading the way in making mischief when it was least expected, and grinning that manure-eating (taken from the colloquial "grinning like a 'possum eating s**t"), fun-loving grin that drove the girls wild. They have a naughty streak, too, but for centuries they've been told that they shouldn't let that be seen, because "nice girls don't do that if they want to find a nice man and get married."
And most won't, until a man gives them such a dose of it that they can't help themselves, and become overwhelmed with a feeling that it's safe to cut up and let their own naughty side come out; some would say they're waiting for your permission to show their naughty sides, and I couldn't argue with them, but what I've seen looks more like they're waiting for leadership to go down that road. AND BE ADVISED...
It must be only a side of you that you expose, not your whole being, especially in a committed relationship. Why?
Think about the guys you knew who cut up in school. There was the "class clown" who was constantly into something and getting in trouble, right? How did he fare? The teachers thought he was a mildly-amusing, constant pain in the ass, and nobody, including the girls, took him seriously, right? Everybody would go to him to get a levity fix and then move on to other things, because that was all he had to offer, a quick chuckle or a good laugh, but nothing of real substance. Like what, you say?
Like a deep conversation, or a challenge met and conquered, or an example set by leadership, or homework answers, or anything else that people naturally look for in other people. Do you think a woman wants to be married to a clown? Or do you think she'd prefer a man who gives her the feeling that he can handle the world, protect her from the world and the boredom it threatens her with, can have a deep conversation with her and leave her with something to think about, and when she least expects it, do something outrageously naughty that lets her show her own horns for a while too? That's kind of a no-brainer when you think about it, huh? If you're one of those people for whom comedy is a defense mechanism, you seriously need to get your issues addressed so you can enjoy a good laugh for a change instead of hiding behind the laughs of others.
So how do you develop this naughty boy bit? You don't! It's already inside you, no matter who you are. What you have to develop is the courage to let him out on occasion and the discipline to put the genie back in the bottle after you've had some fun. If you really don't think you have it in you, then expose yourself to it, explore it in others, until you can remember it in yourself, or simply feel it trying to come out. You've been in situations where something serious was said and a sly, hilarious thought crossed your mind, but you didn't let it out. Why?
Answer that one question, "Why did I not allow myself to be myself in that moment, and cut loose with that naughty thought as a naughty remark to be shared by everyone in the room?" and you'll be well on your way to reviving your naughty boy side. Somewhere along the line you locked him in the closet, maybe because you were afraid of mom finding out, losing a job, being punished, or sounding silly - who knows? Find out!
That's not to say that if you are invited to report at a board meeting that you should make a farce of it. But if you're sitting in a meeting at work and things are just getting too tense, lighten the moment if it's not going to get somebody fired. If you're having a fight with your wife over some sort of drama and you have a funny thought cross your mind that won't come across as you making a cruel and embarrassing remark to her or minimizing a legitimate issue she's put on the table, let it fly! It will probably end the fight - maybe with her giving you a sound smack in the head for interrupting her rage and making her smile, but end it nonetheless - and how can that be a bad thing?
Just remember that naughty is about fun, for everyone. It's never mean or cruel, and laughter should never come at anyone's expense, including your own. If something that goes through your head has realistic potential to hurt others, keep your mouth shut. It's far better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. It's also okay to poke a little fun at yourself along with everybody else, but don't embarrass or demean yourself for the attention.
As an aside, you should hear the women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com describing the things they like and listening to how they talk. Extremely naughty, but not trashy. And understand, they talk trash with the best of us, but they don't usually talk trashy. You could learn a lot just from reading for an hour or two.
So now you know. Just like when I was in high school, you can be doing everything right and never know it, or worse, be doing everything WRONG and never know it! Most men are, and if you were doing everything right, it's highly unlikely that you'd be reading this, right? It takes two skills to really make it with any woman, no matter how much you love each other.
You need to be able to create attraction within her by creating and releasing sexual tension. This is done by alternating between various types of behavior ranging from strong and serious to thoughtful to naughty as a man can be. You also need to be able to really read and understand what she says and signals to you through words, deeds, body language, vocal tone and volume, etc., so that you know WHEN you are succeeding at creating attraction, and succeeding at receiving and returning her love, respect, friendship, and loyalty, or when you are killing any of the above.
THAT is one of the secrets of relationships that are enjoyed for a lifetime, and I can tell you about the others, too. Sound like something you want to get in on?
I thought so. Here's what you do: Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and read the inadvertently best-kept secrets in the universe, those of what women want, how they think, how to communicate with them, and how to turn them both on and off pretty much at will. It doesn't put you in control of them; it puts you in a position to lead, understand, and enjoy them, and to be enjoyed BY THEM. Do it now, before you do another thing, because you should never, EVER put off until tomorrow the success and happiness you can have today!
In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham "Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham
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