First of all, my name is Ben and I am 22 years old.
I just wanted to join and talk about what I am currently going through in my life and what I have been through. I'm sorry if I end up writing a lot, but I need to talk to someone because my friends don't understand what I'm going through and it's hard to explain to them.
Up until recently, I honestly can't even recall any time in my life where I have been truly happy. From when I was very young, I have been told things that have happened to me, that I still to this day find hard to believe (and anyone else would as well), but I know that they are true.
The first thing my own dad (and even my grandma told me), I was at the age where I could barely even walk, let alone know what I was even doing. But for some unknown reason, I crawled over to my mum who was sitting on the floor sorting out photos or something, and all of the sudden she picked me up and threw me across the room, landing back first onto the edge of the coffee table (in front of my dad as well). My dad quickly jumped up and picked me up and literally screamed at her asking what the hell was wrong with her. He said that he was so angry and upset that he took me out of the room with him because he needed to calm down because he couldn't believe it.
I guess that's where it all began.
Now I remember that my mum always used to yell at me and go off at me for no reason. I remember that I was never happy, especially when she was around. My mum and dad ended up getting a divorce back in 1997 and luckily my dad got custody of me. But the times where I had to go be with my mum, I used to dread like you wouldn't believe.
I remember that I used to always get migraines all the time. I used to throw up and be sick. She used to go off at me that much, that I was scared to do something wrong, because this was happening when I wasn't doing anything wrong.
Back in 2004, I was just starting high school. I had to go spend the weekend with my grandma and I was sick. I had a huge migraine, I was lying on the couch with a bucket next to me, and I couldn't move because my head hurt that much. But this wasn't anything new to me because it was happening all the time. And when I was sick, I wouldn't eat. I was becoming very thin, and I was taking medication, but it never seemed to help.
Anyway, my grandma decided that she wanted to take me to the doctor, so she did. The doctor we seen said that he highly recommend that I go to the hospital immediately to get checked out. So we went. The doctor we seen there checked me out and said that I had to be put on this 'drip' for 60 minutes. If I didn't, and I decided to go home, I would have ended up collapsing dead at any time. I could have been at school and just dropped dead or anything. But I decided to go on this drip.
I can honestly say that it did help. I haven't been that sick since, and I have been eating properly. Even though to this day I am still underweight, I can still eat a lot.
After that I was still never really happy. I got bullied a lot at school, didn't really have many friends, but did have some. Ended up getting into a couple of fights when I was pushed too far.
At this point, things with my mum got better, and today I go as visit her every second weekend and things are completely fine and I actually look forward to going to see her.
I ended up leaving school after year 10 and starting an apprenticeship as a diesel mechanic, which at first was great, but then the people I had to work with started to get to me and I can't even describe one of the guys that I was working with, but he would go off for no reason, even when I try to help. He was making my time there very hard, but I had an awesome boss.
Later on someone else started their apprenticeship, just as I was finishing my last year. At first I tried to get along with him, but in the end he was really frustrating me, and kept doing things on purpose to annoy me or make my job harder. I ended up not even talking to him anymore. He was making me feel worse as well.
Now we are at 2013, I met this girl and she completely changed me. I became happier than I ever knew was possible. I told her things that I never told anyone else (pretty much like what I have said here), she told me things about herself and I feel in love. Yes we had our fights and disagreements but I was still so happy to had found her. My boss said that I was working very well and he was impressed with me and was even telling customers that I was his best mechanic.
Six months later (September 2013), without any warning or sign, she told me that she didn't think things were working and wanted to go back to being just friends. Later I found out that she was seeing someone else behind my back and decided she wanted to be with him. I tried to stay friends with her, but I couldn't do it. Her doing that hurt me so much that I found myself burst out crying. When I was driving along, at work (I would rush to the bathroom so no one would see), in bed at night, etc. I ended up not talking to her anymore because I couldn't feel better while talking to her.
A week before she broke up with me, I had told my boss that I wanted to leave so I could start my own business. I was looking forward to it because it meant that I could have spent more time with my girlfriend. But she broke up with me and I ended up having thoughts of 'why am I doing this then.'
Anyway I was so upset that I lost motivation to work or really do anything. But I have been trying my best to keep my business going as best as I can.
Today, I have completely gotten over what's happened, but...
I just haven't been happy. I mean, I have some great friends, and I run my own business, but I'm still not happy. My dad keeps saying that I always seem like I've got the s s, and my friends keep telling me they rarely see me smile. I get frustrated easily and I can't be bothered most of the time. I still try my best but I feel that I don't work anywhere near as well as I used too.
I'm a quiet person, and shy, but I believe I am suffering from high levels of depression and anxiety.
When I am with people, I find myself not being able to have a good conversation, like not being able to think of things to talk about. If I go out with a girl I am worried that she is going to feel uncomfortable because I might not be able to hold a conversation. Mainly because I can't even really hold a good conversation with some of my friends. I can't even really look people in the eye when I talk to them.
I just don't know what to do anymore. No matter what I do I can't make myself happy. I was only ever happy when I had my girlfriend and then she took that happiness away from me like it meant nothing to her. I go out clubbing with friends every Friday night, but it hasn't helped. I just really don't know what to do :( There is probably even more I can say but I have already said so much in this post.
I just need someone to talk too that may be going through the same or similar thing and knows exactly how I'm feeling.
I also don't really like this talking to people over the internet, I just wish I could talk to people in person like I can here :(
Source: relationships-rescue.blogspot.com
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