On The Wagon

Alcohol, how I love it. At the end of a bad day, just one glass of wine can really take the edge off, and make you feel that much more capable of handling things. Or over a delicious meal, that taste of a good dark red wine on your tongue - hmmm. Then there's the nights out with my girlfriends - sharing our news, views and gossip over a bottle (or 4). Then there's the hangovers, the illness, and sometimes the guilt that follows a night of excess.Recently I got really, I mean, really sick from alcohol. I had been out with friends and we started on the wine over lunch. By 11pm I was still drinking, albeit slowly, and had not had any dinner/food since lunch time. I felt absolutely fine, a bit drunk, but certainly not falling over or anything like that. The next morning however, I woke up in a panic after only 5 hours of sleep. I felt a mixture of dread, exhaustion, dehydration, and nausea. In fact, I don't remember ever feeling that sick after a night out, except of course you don't do you? The more you like to drink, the more hangovers become a bit like childbirth - you never quite remember just how bad it was the last time, in order to justify the next heavy night out.Thank god I didn't have work, because I would have had to call in sick. I was floored for the entire day, and even struggled to sleep that night - still feeling nauseas. It was so severe, I think I may have been suffering from alcohol poisoning.In the middle of all the vomiting and other nastiness, I decided (while sitting on the bathroom floor in my underwear - some of the greatest ephiphanies have been had while in one's underwear) that enough was enough. People get sick and don't have control over it, and this was entirely self-inflicted because of my own stupidity and lack of self control. I decided then and there, that this would be the very last time I did that to myself, and have subsequently given up the booze.This news has had a mixed reception - but on the whole people seem, quite simply, a bit worried. I imagine their concerns are to the effect of; how on earth will she manage on nights out? Will she be really boring while every one else gets drunk and silly? Will she sit there stone-faced and not get the jokes, and be all judgmental and sanctimonius? And most importantly, will she still buy a round? It makes me realise just how much of my life revolves around the stuff, and when you remove it from the picture, how much is that picture going to change?Most of all, I worry about me. I've been known to say that I like myself that much better after two drinks, which is a bit of a sad admission. I'll go up and talk to anyone, be confident, and gladly share my two-cents worth and intuitive observations (or at least that's what I think the the alcohol infused babble coming out of my mouth is). After a drink or two, that edge of reservation or shyness I have is softened, and I find I relate to people that much better. After three or four drinks however, I sometimes find myself being far too direct, and at times way too flirtatious. Some people are absolutely fine with been known as the boozy and flirtatious gal/guy - but that's not the way I want to portray myself, and I think if you are in a relationship with someone, it can become distasteful and embarrassing.I don't think I am an alcoholic, in that I don't need a drink, and don't crave one either. Most nights during the week I don't drink, and if Robert and I go out to dinner, I have two glasses of wine. I do however think I have a bit of a control issue once I get past a certain point, and that's when things start to go pear shaped. Friends are asking me how long I'm going to quit for, and right now, I just don't know. A part of me wants to drink when, say, I'm out with Robert and just leave off on nights out. But another part of me thinks that in order to do this properly, I have to quit all together to remove the association of enjoying myself with alcohol.One day at a time and all that....Image: Photo by Max Oppenheim c/o creative.gettyimages.com